“I feel drunk.” “That’s not a bad thing,” she said.

I finally had my first treatment on Tuesday, even though my white blood cell count was even lower than before! It wasn’t all that bad, but the most disconcerting moment was when I stood up to go to the bathroom – the medicine bag was empty and blood from my port starting backing up into the line. So there I stood with a couple feet of blood-red tubing hanging out of me. “Um, I think I have a problem here,” I said to the nurse. Yuck!

I went to the bathroom and had a hot flash. I’ve heard chemo causes hot flashes, but I think this was the result of seeing so much of my body fluid so far outside of my body – too soon for the real hot flashes to begin!

That evening was hell. Two days later, my white blood cell count was UP! Hmmm, either my body really really likes chemo :), or Tibetan medicine has been helping me. I feel like the last three days has been a blur; I’ve been a walking drunk with a lot of hiccups, usually looking quite well, but always wondering what exactly I did the day before. One night I thought I would make twice-baked potatoes, only to find I was boiling them. The thought of having permanent brain damage has terrified me.

Today, I’m off all my anti-nausea meds, and feeling more like myself than before. Yesterday, I went to a movie with my chemo buddy (yes, I really remember). We talked about wigs, and whether or not we want them. Amazingly, my insurance company won’t pay for a wig. Even though the policy covers prosthesis, they say hair is not a “body part”. There is a lot of help for women with cancer, moms with cancer, low-income women with cancer, and yet I’m still afraid of being discriminated against, which is why I don’t update my Facebook page, or answer e-mails from long lost colleagues. That is a hurdle I have yet to overcome – the long term financial implications of being “marked”.

To Chemo, or Not to Chemo

This has been the big dilemma in my mind over the last few weeks. I lean towards natural and alternative therapies, but I’ve learned through past experiences that healing comes in all forms, including the knife. Maybe even chemo?

At the oncologist’s office, I was under intense pressure to start chemo right away. They had not heard me when I said via phone (twice) and via e-mail, that I was NOT ready to start. No, they wouldn’t hear it at all - not until I was sitting in their office with nurses approaching me with their needles, ready to draw blood. Then, I asked quite firmly, “Are you sure you want to draw blood today, because I’m still not ready to start chemo.” The room fell silent, including my doctor, who was speaking with a patient next to me. You could have heard a pin drop. Yes, they finally heard me and acknowledged that it needed to be my choice to allow them to pump those drugs into me. That appointment was an eye-opener for me, and I think also for the doc.

A couple days later, I had a dream that I was being treated. I was “plugged in”, and I was fine. I wasn’t having any side effects. I felt quite safe. Then, two women (a friend of mine, and another acquaintance) approached me to tell me they were just diagnosed with breast cancer, and they were quite panicked. Unfortunately, their situations were much worse than mine. I was doing ok. Remember, this was all a dream.

A couple days after that dream, I received a call from a friend. His daughter was just diagnosed with breast cancer this week and she wanted to talk to me.

We talked, and our conversation helped to shift my thinking. I decided to do chemo locally, and ironically, this woman found out she needed chemo right away. We were to start on the same week. We had our ports installed on the same DAY! She got going, and just hoped that it would “work”.

I, on the other hand, decided to have a problem with my original surgical incision, which delayed starting chemo by two days. On the next try, my body decided that I was too tired and needed to make more white blood cells. So twice now, I have TRIED to start chemo, only to be delayed again. Oh…what is the universe telling me?

I am scheduled to see the Tibetan doctor on Sunday.

Growing New Skin

Happy New Year! I’m on the other side of surgery, and my body is healing. I’m actually shedding skin and growing anew. My chiropractor helped me get into a peaceful state prior to surgery, where I remained for multiple hours before going into O.R. Since then, the peaceful state comes and goes…

My mother visited to offer her support and help me while I recovered from surgery, and an amazing group of women coordinated an organic food drop-off at my place. I can’t believe the amount of support I’ve received!

The next phase of this journey is a bit more difficult than the surgery. I’m weeding through additional treatment options. Although there is NO indication there is any cancer left in my body, the doctors present all kinds of additional therapies along with their statistics, side affects and risks. I hate being in indecision – it’s almost worse than the treatment itself!

I’ve consulted with homeopaths, naturopaths, juice fasters, oncologists and surgeons. Everyone has their own story, their own perspective; new data that keeps on changing arrives in my in-box or voice mail nearly daily.

Although the analysis and decision-making continues, I feel it’s bringing me closer to peace with how I want the rest of my life to look. As for the cause of this disease, I've read that by the time you detect breast cancer, you've had it for eight years. I could speculate that this is a remnant of my old life-style, or it's the result of stress in the last two years, or a problem that's rooted in spirituality or karma, or the result of a lack of control of the mind, too much energy in the body...maybe the Tibetan doctor will know! It will help me evolve.

Here’s an interesting quote that spoke to me: “You can’t fly with part of a cocoon hanging onto your butt”

We do have free will, and I’m finding mine again.

As for that special friend…things are complicated.