Tingling Toes, Mysterious Rashes, and Hot Flashes

I'm past treatment #6, with only two more to go! That means in less than three weeks, I'll be completely DONE with chemo. I'm SO happy, you can not imagine. Spring is finally here, and I'm feeling like I can get on with my life very soon.

New side effects I'm dealing with are neuropathy (fingers and feet), which SHOULD go away shortly after I'm done with treatment, but the doctor has me on three supplements which are supposed to help (I'm not sure if they are helping), so I'm starting up acupuncture again. In the last week, I've also gotten a couple of rashes on my body which I thought might have been attributed to hanging out with horses last weekend, but I'm starting to think it's related to Taxol. And the worst, hot flashes. I'm hot, cold, night sweats and I really hope these will go away after treatment. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that my menstrual cycles will come back after chemo, so there is a chance this will push me into menopause - And then I wonder WHY did I do this? Even with all these side effects, and the low energy from cumulative chemo, I feel better than on the old drug (AC).

And everyone is having their own troubles. People and pets are being diagnosed with cancer all the time. Life simply goes on, with its losses and triumphs. For now, it's spring and my toes are painted ready to show the world. Oh, my Dad shows up today for a visit. I'm very excited!

Finally Lost a Load & Life with the Beautiful People

Yesterday was a milestone for me. I puked! It was the first time through all this chemo, and I haven't even been feeling nauseas on this new drug! It really snuck up on me. I attribute it to the pain meds I was taking for leg pain. BUT, by evening, I was wolfing down succulant ribs at a party hosted by "the beautiful people".

By Beautiful people (and I need to say this with a special drawn-out accent - "beaauuut-i-ful"), I mean a party at my plastic surgeon's home. It was a very nice party at which I couldn't help but stare at the guests' faces and breasts to see if they, too, were patients of the doctor. Bad me. It's a new world being surrounded by people who have the desire to fix their faces and bodies - a club, of sorts. I have to admit, it was nice to be part of the club, even if I didn't electively join. However, I wasn't about to show my cellulite and jump into the hot tub! Lately, I've become more obsessed with researching options for breast alteration so MAYBE I'll have the option of being symmetrical, and never wearing a bra again! I might as well get perky breasts out of the deal, right? Having a "bra burning" party sounds really cathartic at the moment.

My friend with lymphoma was released from the hospital. A number of tests were run on her, but it sounds like they were inconclusive. I'm afraid she is still in for a long, rough fight....hmmm....we are in SUCH different situations. I'm partying with the beaaauuuutiful people, and she's fighting for her life. I can only say that my willingness to grab for any bits of happiness is very high right now, and I need some fun in my life after a long winter.

Growing Pains

So, I'm beyond treatment #5. Whooo hooo! That means only three more to go, and dare I say it...dare I say...I see some hair starting to grow! The drug I'm on for the second half of the protocol is not as toxic, therefore, I'm not having any nausea. I am, however, having massive leg pains. Today, the nurses told me that I had permission to come home and take some heavy pain killers. I'm doing just that, since I was tossing and turning most of the night with these leg pains. Ironically, they feel just like the growing pains I had when I was a kid.

When approaching my decision to undergo chemo, I decided to look at this as a "re-boot" of my body. So it's fitting that Spring is starting to show up, sprouts are starting to grow on my head, and I'm having the growing pains I had when I was a kid.

On a more serious note, I've met some other chemo patients who have left me feeling conflicted. One imparticular has left me gnawing at my deepest fears, avoidance, boundary issues, questions of life and health - and questioning how much one should give of themselves? Is it healthy to be so "together" all the time? This woman has lymphoma, and two other major diseases. She is constantly needing IV hydration, and for some reason she is drawn to me. Part of me wants to run away screaming because I "only" have breast cancer (what a joke), and I don't feel nearly as bad as she does. But the reality is that she has chosen to befriend me at the most vulnerable time in her life. I only met her two weeks ago, and although she had already finished her chemo, I could tell she was facing many more challenges than I am. Now, she is in the hospital with a pulminary embolism. What is it that made me want to run away, to not want to be part of that "category"...well, it's the same thing that makes others not want to be around me. They're perception of what I'm going through or how it could affect them is too scary. It's too foreign to their own world. Unfortunately, I don't feel strong enough to give as much as perhaps I should, but that's where I am. And I sense that this woman is used to giving too much of herself, and not taking care of herself FIRST.

So, I'll just sit with this for a while, along with the drugs. How much should we give of ourselves? How close should we get to strangers, when they invite us into their cacoon of struggle?